Words, man. Words.
If you were on fire, would you sit around and let people just give you pats on the back and well-wishes that you feel better?
No, you’d demand they help put the fire the fuck out while you’re screaming and yelling like someone does when they’re in such pain and peril!
Why is it so hard to march into a hospital or a clinic or a psychiatrists office and demand they help us put our fires the fuck out?
And why do we feel guilty and let people whisper and bad-mouth us about all the things we can’t do when we’re on fucking fire?
If I was on fire, I wouldn’t give a damn that I failed a midterm, that my significant other broke up with me because I’m too “firy,” that I lost my job or missed a great opportunity. I’M ON FUCKING FIRE, let’s fix that first!
But we trick ourselves into believing a lie that society reinforces: we choose to be on fire because we’re not strong enough.
It’s a good thing I decided to keep writing that ranty rant post. I had a minor epiphany about something I forgot.
If people understood how much pain and suffering I was really going through, they would do something about it.
And I was thinking, if I was on fire, nobody would just walk by and say, “Oh, hope you feel better *pat*”
No, they’d be like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHERE’S THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER?! CALL 911! I’M TAKING YOU TO A HOSPITAL RIGHT THE FUCK NOW”
So why don’t I have a team of people rushing around me right now trying to put out the fire?
And then it just sorta clicked: wait a minute… my pain is that bad, so why am I not going to the hospital (besides insurance issues)?
Because I’ve been through this for so long and so severely that I forgot that I shouldn’t ever be on fire at all.
I shouldn’t settle for being suicidal at all, this pain is unacceptable and I shouldn’t try to live with it.. I should be walking into a psychiatrists office or a hospital demanding that they help me put my fire the fuck out.
I forgot again.
I feel like shit (yesterday was a short-lived good day haha). But mustn’t stop. Here’s my list o fthings to do and when to do some of them. Next I’ll organize them even more so it’s a clear to-do list.
-THE WHITEBOARD OF JUSTICE: update it at night and in the morning. OBEY IT.
- CALENDAR OF JUDGMENT: Update it everyday
- HABITRPG OF TRUTH: just play it everyday.
- Gantt of TRACKING: make gantt charts, good help
PhysicCALLnish (Physical Fitness)
- Sleep early (9pm - 10pm)
- Diet (as in permanent style of what and how much I eat): dominated by fruits, veggies, nuts and roots or whatever potatoes and beans are. Meat-limited, preferably only for special occasions and family get-togethers (Mexican family = dishes are very meat-centric).
- Cardio: Running? Idk. I have random joint pain all over my body… may want to wait until I see a doctor whenever my health insurance papers finally go through.
- Gentle walking: Always down for walks! Well, I say that, but I haven’t ben doing it… lol Morning routine.
- Stretching: morning
- Calisthenics: afternoon/mornings
- Landscaping: good for the body!
- Short things to interrupt all the sitting.
- Hiking: later, also post medical evaluation maybe
1. Take care of the old people and the house
2. Keep getting paid (mah jobs)
3. Get experience to figure out what field I want to be in (Business/organization, mental health, environment), also related to Grad School/Career
4. My own mental health
5. Learn Spanish
6. LEARN ALL THE THINGS (Business, Psychology, and other things I like)
7. Giving Back (community service, jobs helping other people, osmething that gives me meaning, which includes: NAMI)
- Nothing to it but to do it: challenging perceptions. Think I can’t do something? DO IT ANYWAY! That’s what I did before, why shouldn’t I just do the same damn thing again?!
GRE, Spanish, Business
- Need to draft out a study plan
- Commune with my garden more frequently <3 (ideally, every other morning)